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“Just the facts ma’am, just gimme me the facts!” (Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet, 1950s)
The story you are about the read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Investigating differences in communication styles between men and women prompted thoughts about the importance of having your verbal communication meet the needs of the other party. I used the following illustration with my classes: A husband and wife are sitting at the breakfast table. The man is drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper. The wife says, “Honey, you haven’t told me lately that you love me. Do you?” Without putting the newspaper down, the husband says, “Yes, I love you!” With that the wife becomes extremely upset and leaves the breakfast table fuming. The husband can’t understand why. Then I ask my students, “Do you know why the wife was upset?”
The wife was looking for an emotional connection with her husband. The husband was just answering the question, giving her the facts, isn’t that all it was, a question? Because the husband didn’t take the time to put the paper down and look at his wife, make eye contact with her, and then say he loved her, his wife misinterpreted his response as not caring and her bid for emotional intimacy was lost. In the process, he made her feel invisible.
M.O. ( Modus Operandi )
Thinking about my previous article, Let’s Hear it for the Girls, (Oct., 2010), I wondered if some of the problems pigeon flyers experience with their wives about the sport and the birds could be the different communication styles men and women use. Tannen’s book, You Just Don’t Understand, explains the different focus men and women have in conversation. I’d like to explore these differences, relate them to the world of pigeon communiqué and see if the dialectical tensions in the communication styles between men and women can be, if not resolved, at least better understood.
All we know are the facts ma’am!
To begin, women focus on intimacy and connection in their communication. Some may think intimacy means physical intimacy. But, actually there are other types of intimacy, such as sharing activities, sharing intellectually, and emotional intimacy. Girls play games that bring them close and create intimacy, such as jumping rope and playing house, with the focus on connection and cooperation. Additionally, girls are concerned that they are liked and will say things like, “Let’s do this” so it isn’t perceived as a command to do something.
When women talk, we seek understanding and connection. Many times we talk to our partner and unload our problems, to facilitate that connection. We are not asking for them to “fix” our problem, we just want them to listen to us so we can create an emotional bond with them. Yet, most men after hearing the problem(s) will tell their wife how to fix the problem
Sometimes when men talk to women, it may become a lecture rather than a conversation. For example, a woman may ask about the pigeons, seeking a connection to her husband, but, rather than talking with his wife, the man may end up lecturing to her about this or that facet of the birds. After a while she may not ask anymore, knowing that his response will be to give her facts, rather than the connection she’s seeking. What’s causing this difference?
APB (All Points Bulletin)
One main difference could be that while women are focusing on intimacy and connection in their communication, men are focusing on independence and status. As boys, they generally played outside in groups, played competitive games where there was a winner and a loser, and could boast about their skills. In their status seeking, they may have told jokes to be the center of attention. In playing, they tended to say things like, “Gimme that!” In the boys’ world, it’s about competition, achievement, giving orders, and having others follow them.
While watching Animal Planet’s, Taking on Tyson, as Mike Tyson of boxing fame, seeks to become a competitive pigeon flyer, it was easy for me to see this being illustrated. Tyson had a difficult life at best and found independence and status through the competitive world of boxing. Now that he’s in his 40s, the drive of competition is being transferred to the sport of pigeon flying. Intimate connection is made with his birds as he is shown kissing them. Could it be because they are going to provide additional status for him? Also, Tyson found fighting, we’re told, at the hands of bullies who fought with him over his pigeons. His feelings of fear and/or sadness were channeled into the ring. We saw evidence of his anger in his exchange with Evander Holyfield. Holyfield’s ear was bitten off, not once, but twice by Tyson. According to Chapman (1995), “when feelings of sadness or fear are forced underground, sometimes anger becomes the only acceptable emotions because it is not vulnerable” (p. 35). It doesn’t surprise me that Tyson would be drawn to the sport of pigeon racing because of its highly competitive nature and the male domination of the sport.
Dragnet - Badge 714
Pigeon flying may come first for some men which can create a problem for their partner. For example, one of the flyers featured on the Tyson program said, “I was into pigeon flying when I met my wife. I told her, pigeon flying comes first. It’s who I am. My first love will always be the pigeons.” Gee, just what a woman who’s seeking intimacy and connection wants to hear. No wonder his wife wasn’t interested in the birds. She was shown gardening while he tended to the birds. During the filming, he put aside a day to spend time with his wife. Instead of focusing on his wife, they entered a tattoo shop where he got a tattoo of a pigeon over his heart. While this was taking place, his wife made sure to tell the camera crew that her name was tattooed on his back, yet his pigeon went over his heart. Her look was one of rejection. Is there no wonder that this man says, “My wife doesn’t like the birds and doesn’t understand me”? Think about it, maybe connecting with her in a way she would appreciate could help the situation. Instead, the result is that the pigeons get a bad rap, the wife resents them and the marriage suffers.
We women like to talk as a means of making connections with others and negotiating our relationships. This type of talking is known as private talk or rapport. Men, on the other hand, like to talk to preserve independence, to negotiate and to maintain status. Talking is a means to get and keep attention. Talk is how information is given and received. It is known as public talk or report talk. Talking is done for a reason. It’s usually the men who are more inclined in large groups to be the life of the party and tell jokes. Women tend to tell jokes in small groups with their friends. Conversation at pigeon meetings and gatherings is about the race and/or the birds, and is very “report” (information) driven. Put a group of wives in there, and the talk would probably be relationally focused.
Tuesday, it was cold. We were working the day watch.
I’ll give an example of differing communication styles by relating a conversation that took place between my husband and I regarding one of the hens in our breeding loft. First, what I told my husband:
“I noticed Summer seems off today. I wonder if she hurt her wing. She was on the floor and acted like something was wrong. When I picked her up, she didn’t seem like herself. I wonder if there’s something we can do for her. I wonder if her mate picked on her? She seems unhappy.”
Now, what my husband said about the same situation:
“I saw Summer on the floor today. Her wing had been injured. We’ll watch her for a few days and see if she improves.”
See the difference? My conversation was peppered with questions, with concern over her physical state and her emotional well-being. My husband was concerned about her health and what should be done. I was making a connection to the bird and him, rapport. He was reporting on the bird’s condition, report. Are we frustrated with each other? We could be, but I think our concerns are going to make a good combination for the care of Summer. Our differences bring a balance to our conversations.
Sometimes women have a hard time putting together the picture of their spouse when they’re with others versus when he’s at home with her. At home some men seldom talk, and wives end up saying the four words men dislike more than any others “we need to talk” or another statement “you never talk to me.” Yet, put him in a public setting, like when he’s with other pigeon flyers, and he becomes the life of the party so to speak. Why? Men are usually inclined to talk in situations were “report” or informational talk is the norm and where they may feel the need to impress and maintain status. He’s enjoying himself, and talking comes easy. But, the wife wonders a couple of things, one, is this man, who is talking so much, my husband who never opens his mouth at home, and two, what’s wrong with me, doesn’t he enjoy talking to me?
You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to one of the most puzzling case you’ve ever encountered. From beginning to end: break it!
The answers are, one, yes, he’s the same man and, second, he may not feel the same need to talk at home as he feels in public. In another of my articles, The Man Cave (May, 2010), the cave was described as a place for a man to relax, well, the same goes for his home. Home for men is usually the place they are comfortable and “off-stage” with no need to be “on” to have to prove themselves or impress others. It’s a place they are free to be silent. Now, here’s some good news/bad news. Home is good news for the man, because he can relax, be comfortable, it’s a place for him to just be. Bad news for the woman, because for women, the home is the place to talk, to connect to feel the emotional intimacy we so readily desire. And just as we are looking forward to his return from the pigeon race, meeting or work, so we can connect with him, he comes home to shut down and relax. Does pigeon flying contribute to the combat zone, or is it simply the differing communication styles at play?
Danger Ahead (theme song from Dragnet)
Quickly it becomes apparent that differing views of communication expectations can help couples enter the battle zone without really understanding why. Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, says, “not only do men and women communicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment” (p. 5). If this is true, what can we do?
Let’s look at the facts: the marriage is here, the birds are here, can we peacefully coexist? Are there things we can do to help each other understand what we need? The funny thing about problems in communication is that what fixes the problem is communication. Wives may say, “He loves his birds more than he loves me. He talks to them and spends more time with his birds than he does with me. He just doesn’t understand me!” Husbands may say, “She knew what she was getting into when she married me. I try to include her, but she just doesn’t care about the birds like I do. She’s demanding and rude about the time I spend with the birds especially during race time. She just doesn’t understand me!” I think the misunderstanding may be in the different communication styles we use.
It took time to get to the point where both can agree that neither one understands the other, it didn’t happen overnight. Ever put on a few pounds and decide one day, “I’m going on a diet?” The next few weeks you watch what you eat, then you get on the scale and find you’ve lost one pound and you get discouraged. That weight didn’t come on in just a few weeks, yet once we decide to lose it, we think it’s going to magically come off in no time at all.
No criminals were apprehended.
The same goes for communication differences between men and women. We’ve learned our communication styles since childhood; initially by playing with our friends, and then by honing our style over the years. Now, we’re faced with the reality that these styles aren’t working in our most important relationship, the one with our spouse. Is it that we don’t understand what the other is saying, or that we don’t understand how to communicate with the other person so that their needs are met? Both husbands and wives basically want the same things, to be happy, to feel loved, and most of all understood. The next time you sit down at the breakfast table and your spouse asks, “Honey, do you still love me?” Put the newspaper down, take her hand in yours, look into her eyes and say “I sure do!”
There will be no trace of unhappiness, no apparent motive except to make each other happy. My job: accomplished. We may not have known this was happening, but we had to try and stop it by looking at this from A Chick’s Point of View. (Headings and related comments, paraphrased from Dragnet, 1952).
M.O. ( Modus Operandi )
Thinking about my previous article, Let’s Hear it for the Girls, (Oct., 2010), I wondered if some of the problems pigeon flyers experience with their wives about the sport and the birds could be the different communication styles men and women use. Tannen’s book, You Just Don’t Understand, explains the different focus men and women have in conversation. I’d like to explore these differences, relate them to the world of pigeon communiqué and see if the dialectical tensions in the communication styles between men and women can be, if not resolved, at least better understood.
All we know are the facts ma’am!
To begin, women focus on intimacy and connection in their communication. Some may think intimacy means physical intimacy. But, actually there are other types of intimacy, such as sharing activities, sharing intellectually, and emotional intimacy. Girls play games that bring them close and create intimacy, such as jumping rope and playing house, with the focus on connection and cooperation. Additionally, girls are concerned that they are liked and will say things like, “Let’s do this” so it isn’t perceived as a command to do something.
When women talk, we seek understanding and connection. Many times we talk to our partner and unload our problems, to facilitate that connection. We are not asking for them to “fix” our problem, we just want them to listen to us so we can create an emotional bond with them. Yet, most men after hearing the problem(s) will tell their wife how to fix the problem
Sometimes when men talk to women, it may become a lecture rather than a conversation. For example, a woman may ask about the pigeons, seeking a connection to her husband, but, rather than talking with his wife, the man may end up lecturing to her about this or that facet of the birds. After a while she may not ask anymore, knowing that his response will be to give her facts, rather than the connection she’s seeking. What’s causing this difference?
APB (All Points Bulletin)
One main difference could be that while women are focusing on intimacy and connection in their communication, men are focusing on independence and status. As boys, they generally played outside in groups, played competitive games where there was a winner and a loser, and could boast about their skills. In their status seeking, they may have told jokes to be the center of attention. In playing, they tended to say things like, “Gimme that!” In the boys’ world, it’s about competition, achievement, giving orders, and having others follow them.
While watching Animal Planet’s, Taking on Tyson, as Mike Tyson of boxing fame, seeks to become a competitive pigeon flyer, it was easy for me to see this being illustrated. Tyson had a difficult life at best and found independence and status through the competitive world of boxing. Now that he’s in his 40s, the drive of competition is being transferred to the sport of pigeon flying. Intimate connection is made with his birds as he is shown kissing them. Could it be because they are going to provide additional status for him? Also, Tyson found fighting, we’re told, at the hands of bullies who fought with him over his pigeons. His feelings of fear and/or sadness were channeled into the ring. We saw evidence of his anger in his exchange with Evander Holyfield. Holyfield’s ear was bitten off, not once, but twice by Tyson. According to Chapman (1995), “when feelings of sadness or fear are forced underground, sometimes anger becomes the only acceptable emotions because it is not vulnerable” (p. 35). It doesn’t surprise me that Tyson would be drawn to the sport of pigeon racing because of its highly competitive nature and the male domination of the sport.
Dragnet - Badge 714
Pigeon flying may come first for some men which can create a problem for their partner. For example, one of the flyers featured on the Tyson program said, “I was into pigeon flying when I met my wife. I told her, pigeon flying comes first. It’s who I am. My first love will always be the pigeons.” Gee, just what a woman who’s seeking intimacy and connection wants to hear. No wonder his wife wasn’t interested in the birds. She was shown gardening while he tended to the birds. During the filming, he put aside a day to spend time with his wife. Instead of focusing on his wife, they entered a tattoo shop where he got a tattoo of a pigeon over his heart. While this was taking place, his wife made sure to tell the camera crew that her name was tattooed on his back, yet his pigeon went over his heart. Her look was one of rejection. Is there no wonder that this man says, “My wife doesn’t like the birds and doesn’t understand me”? Think about it, maybe connecting with her in a way she would appreciate could help the situation. Instead, the result is that the pigeons get a bad rap, the wife resents them and the marriage suffers.
We women like to talk as a means of making connections with others and negotiating our relationships. This type of talking is known as private talk or rapport. Men, on the other hand, like to talk to preserve independence, to negotiate and to maintain status. Talking is a means to get and keep attention. Talk is how information is given and received. It is known as public talk or report talk. Talking is done for a reason. It’s usually the men who are more inclined in large groups to be the life of the party and tell jokes. Women tend to tell jokes in small groups with their friends. Conversation at pigeon meetings and gatherings is about the race and/or the birds, and is very “report” (information) driven. Put a group of wives in there, and the talk would probably be relationally focused.
Tuesday, it was cold. We were working the day watch.
I’ll give an example of differing communication styles by relating a conversation that took place between my husband and I regarding one of the hens in our breeding loft. First, what I told my husband:
“I noticed Summer seems off today. I wonder if she hurt her wing. She was on the floor and acted like something was wrong. When I picked her up, she didn’t seem like herself. I wonder if there’s something we can do for her. I wonder if her mate picked on her? She seems unhappy.”
Now, what my husband said about the same situation:
“I saw Summer on the floor today. Her wing had been injured. We’ll watch her for a few days and see if she improves.”
See the difference? My conversation was peppered with questions, with concern over her physical state and her emotional well-being. My husband was concerned about her health and what should be done. I was making a connection to the bird and him, rapport. He was reporting on the bird’s condition, report. Are we frustrated with each other? We could be, but I think our concerns are going to make a good combination for the care of Summer. Our differences bring a balance to our conversations.
Sometimes women have a hard time putting together the picture of their spouse when they’re with others versus when he’s at home with her. At home some men seldom talk, and wives end up saying the four words men dislike more than any others “we need to talk” or another statement “you never talk to me.” Yet, put him in a public setting, like when he’s with other pigeon flyers, and he becomes the life of the party so to speak. Why? Men are usually inclined to talk in situations were “report” or informational talk is the norm and where they may feel the need to impress and maintain status. He’s enjoying himself, and talking comes easy. But, the wife wonders a couple of things, one, is this man, who is talking so much, my husband who never opens his mouth at home, and two, what’s wrong with me, doesn’t he enjoy talking to me?
You’re a Detective Sergeant. You’re assigned to one of the most puzzling case you’ve ever encountered. From beginning to end: break it!
The answers are, one, yes, he’s the same man and, second, he may not feel the same need to talk at home as he feels in public. In another of my articles, The Man Cave (May, 2010), the cave was described as a place for a man to relax, well, the same goes for his home. Home for men is usually the place they are comfortable and “off-stage” with no need to be “on” to have to prove themselves or impress others. It’s a place they are free to be silent. Now, here’s some good news/bad news. Home is good news for the man, because he can relax, be comfortable, it’s a place for him to just be. Bad news for the woman, because for women, the home is the place to talk, to connect to feel the emotional intimacy we so readily desire. And just as we are looking forward to his return from the pigeon race, meeting or work, so we can connect with him, he comes home to shut down and relax. Does pigeon flying contribute to the combat zone, or is it simply the differing communication styles at play?
Danger Ahead (theme song from Dragnet)
Quickly it becomes apparent that differing views of communication expectations can help couples enter the battle zone without really understanding why. Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, says, “not only do men and women communicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment” (p. 5). If this is true, what can we do?
Let’s look at the facts: the marriage is here, the birds are here, can we peacefully coexist? Are there things we can do to help each other understand what we need? The funny thing about problems in communication is that what fixes the problem is communication. Wives may say, “He loves his birds more than he loves me. He talks to them and spends more time with his birds than he does with me. He just doesn’t understand me!” Husbands may say, “She knew what she was getting into when she married me. I try to include her, but she just doesn’t care about the birds like I do. She’s demanding and rude about the time I spend with the birds especially during race time. She just doesn’t understand me!” I think the misunderstanding may be in the different communication styles we use.
It took time to get to the point where both can agree that neither one understands the other, it didn’t happen overnight. Ever put on a few pounds and decide one day, “I’m going on a diet?” The next few weeks you watch what you eat, then you get on the scale and find you’ve lost one pound and you get discouraged. That weight didn’t come on in just a few weeks, yet once we decide to lose it, we think it’s going to magically come off in no time at all.
No criminals were apprehended.
The same goes for communication differences between men and women. We’ve learned our communication styles since childhood; initially by playing with our friends, and then by honing our style over the years. Now, we’re faced with the reality that these styles aren’t working in our most important relationship, the one with our spouse. Is it that we don’t understand what the other is saying, or that we don’t understand how to communicate with the other person so that their needs are met? Both husbands and wives basically want the same things, to be happy, to feel loved, and most of all understood. The next time you sit down at the breakfast table and your spouse asks, “Honey, do you still love me?” Put the newspaper down, take her hand in yours, look into her eyes and say “I sure do!”
There will be no trace of unhappiness, no apparent motive except to make each other happy. My job: accomplished. We may not have known this was happening, but we had to try and stop it by looking at this from A Chick’s Point of View. (Headings and related comments, paraphrased from Dragnet, 1952).
